Session 2 – Part 2 – PASSION AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

NOTE: Couples and Individual Counseling – $300.00/Session or 5 Sessions for $500.00. Call 714.742.4900 to Schedule a Session.  Session length is not limited to 0ne hour.

According to Psychology Today, “Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. It is generally said to include three skills: emotional awareness; the ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problem solving; and the ability to manage emotions, which includes regulating your own emotions and cheering up or calming down other people.”  Making your relationship(s) Magical requires Emotional Intelligence as a foundation.

Anger Management is about managing your emotions; keeping yourself calm and focused in trying and stressful circumstances.

Also mentioned in Psychology Today, John D. Meyer (PhD) and Peter Salovey (Provost of Yale University) claim to be responsible for introducing Emotional Intelligence in two articles published in 1990.  Meyer and Salovey use the following words to define Emotional Intelligence (EI) very clearly.

“Emotional intelligence, as we described it, is the capacity to reason about emotions and emotional information, and of emotions to enhance thought. People with high EI, we believed, could solve a variety of emotion-related problems accurately and quickly. High EI people, for example, can accurately perceive emotions in faces (reading Physiognomy). Such individuals also know how to use emotional episodes in their lives to promote specific types of thinking. They know, for example, that sadness promotes analytical thought and so they may prefer to analyze things when they are in a sad mood (given the choice). High EI people also understand the meanings that emotions convey: They know that angry people can be dangerous, that happiness means that someone wants to join with others, and that some sad people may prefer to be alone. High EI people also know how to manage their own and others’ emotions. They understand that, when happy, a person will be more likely to accept an invitation to a social gathering than when sad or afraid.”

After proving EI exists, Meyer researched and proffered that while EI cannot be proved to be a better predictor of success than the Intelligence Quotient, it is still very important.  For the purposes of this program, EI is essential for achieving a high degree of success in making relationships better.  At CeI, we proffer that  EI provides a good foundation for making relationships more Magical.

To make relationships “Magical” you need to manage both your emotions and the emotions of the person with whom you want a “Magical” relationship.  In the words of Norman Rosenthal (also from an article in Psychology Today):

“Recognizing emotional intelligence in oneself can help you regulate and manage your emotions, while recognizing emotions in others can lead to empathy and success in your relationships, both personal and professional.”

At Cannon EInstitute we have discovered that EI can go much further than empathy; it can lead to close friendships, loyal customers and advocates and to that ever-elusive treasure called “Love”.

Norman proffered some very interesting suggestions on enhancing your EI.  Remembering that Cannon EInstitute is a Research Organization, we would like you to participate in a little experiment.  Let us test what Norman Meyer proffered by including the following as “tools” in your “Making Your Relationship(s) Magical Tool Kit”. Let’s use each of these tools over then next two weeks and record how they affected our emotional intelligence.

  1. Keep Focused – Don’t interrupt or change the subject. If feelings are uncomfortable, we may want to avoid them by interrupting or distracting ourselves. Sit down at least twice a day and ask, “How am I feeling?” It may take a little time for the feelings to arise. Allow yourself that small space of time, uninterrupted.
  2. Be an Unbiased Researcher – Don’t judge or edit your feelings too quickly. Try not to dismiss your feelings before you have a chance to think them through. Healthy emotions often rise and fall in a wave, rising, peaking, and fading naturally. Your aim should be not to cut off the wave before it peaks.
  3. Think Back – See if you can find connections between your feelings and other times you have felt the same way. When an uncomfortable feeling arises, ask yourself, “When have I felt this feeling before?” Doing this may help you to realize if your current emotional state is reflective of the current situation, of another time in your past, or about a subject that is not related to your conscious concerns.
  4. Analyze – Connect each of your feelings with your thoughts.When you feel something that strikes you as out of the ordinary, ask, “What do I think and feel  about the inordinate circumstance?” Often, one of our feelings will contradict others. That’s normal. Listening to your feelings is like listening to all the witnesses in a court case. Only by admitting all the evidence will you be able to reach the best verdict.
  5. Listen to your body.A knot in your stomach while driving to work may be a clue that your job is a source of stress. A flutter of the heart when you pick up a girl you have just started to date may be a clue that this could be “the real thing.” Listening to these sensations, and the underlying feelings that the sensations signal, will allow you to process more with your powers of reason and less with emotional reflex.
  6. Involve Observers – If you don’t know how you’re feeling, ask someone else.People seldom realize that others are able to judge how they are feeling. Ask someone who knows you (and whom you trust) how you are projecting. You may find the answer both surprising and informative.
  7. Tune in to your unconsciousHow can you become more aware of your unconscious feelings? Try free association. While in a relaxed state, allow your thoughts to roam freely and observe where those thoughts wonder.
  8. Analyze your dreams. Keep a notebook and pen at the side of your bed and jot down your dreams as soon as you wake up. Pay special attention to dreams that repeat or are charged with powerful emotion.
  9. Ask yourself: How do I feel today?Start by rating your overall sense of well-being on a scale of 0 and 100 and write the scores down in a daily log book. If your feelings seem extreme at any time, reflect upon conditions, ideas, associations, and circumstances that may be connected with the feeling.  Remember, you are enhancing your EI.  Self-awareness of your “triggers” is where you start.
  10. Write thoughts and feelings down.Research has shown that writing down your thoughts and feelings can help profoundly. A simple exercise like this could take only a few hours per week.
  11. Know when enough is enough.There comes a time to stop looking inward; learn when it is time to shift your focus outward. Studies have shown that encouraging people to dwell upon negative feelings can amplify these feelings. Emotional intelligence involves not only the ability to look within, but also to be present in the world around you.

Click here to download the Emotional Intelligence Enhancement Application Diary Report Forms – Open a form, save it as Issue 1 and the next as Issue 2, etc.  Complete  form each day for the next 10 days, saving each form upon completion.  Send the forms to EMP-B-2020@CannonEInstitute.com

Stay Tuned for Session 2 – Passion – Part 3

Session 2: Passion – Part 1

SESSION 2: PASSION – Life is too short for fussing and fighting all the time.

AUTHOR: Michael L. Cannon – CeO and Qualified Professor – Cannon EInstitute
EDITED BY: Anonymous

NOTE: Couples and Individual Counseling – $300.00/Session or 5 Sessions for $500.00. Call 714.742.4900 to Schedule a Session.  Session length is not limited to 0ne hour.

Without Passion, people are mere cardboard flip charts; boring and lifeless. With Passion so much more can be accomplished; so much more love and friendship can be shared; so much more life can be experienced.

That’s the upside of Passion. The downside is that Passion is scary, frightening, and often nerve rattling. Passion has caused wars, death and destruction. Passion fuels what we here at Cannon EInstitute refer to as “Ballistic Episodes” where anger and jealously overflow into words best left unsaid and into physical altercations that often cannot be undone.

To Be Complete and Fulfilling PASSION IS NECESSARY in every relationship.

At Cannon EInstitute, when we are counseling one-on-one, we encourage Passion and we even proffer that two controlled ballistic episodes a year is healthy, rewarding and relationship growth motivating. In other words, your “bitch budget” is two ballistic episodes per year. More than two ballistic episodes means we need to work on your confidence, sensitivity and communication skills.

The “Making Your Relationships Magical” program provides participants the power to control their Passion, to channel their Passion toward a demonstration of friendship and love, and to use their Passion to guide those they like and love to a better understanding. This program also helps you “get your way the easy way” while building better, long lasting relationships with RESPECT, LOVE, APPRECIATION and PRIDE. This program helps you get your way even with individuals you may not admire, respect or easily tolerate.

Anger management is “getting control of your Passion”.  Again, Passion is good when it is motivating and positive.  It is bad and destructive when it is improperly focused and when it motivates relationship destroying words and actions.  “Making Your Relationships Magical” is more than an Online Anger Management and Effective Negotiation Training Program.  Managing your anger will make your life easier but that alone will not make your relationships enviable and powerful.   At CeI, managing your anger and channeling your Passion are just the start.

NOTE: The Making Your Relationships Magical Program consists of courseware, workshops and short videos, each with a tool, concept, process, procedure or skill you will find empowering, confidence building, and motivating.  As you complete each course and practice what you have learned, you will become excited as you realize your increased relationship building power.  You will learn:

  1. How Passion fuels yowur anger
  2. How to develop and keep focused on communication targets (emotional, functional, positional and academic)
  3. How to rapidly gain control of your Passion and channel it into a calm, informed, and supportive demeanor
  4. How to influence the “mood” of your significant other, transforming him or her into a loving, cooperative, and knowledge seeking partner.

If Passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.
~Benjamin Franklin

It is with our Passions as it is with fire and water;
they are good servants, but bad masters.

~Roger L’Estrange, Aesop’s Fables, 1692

Give me one hour of love that is consumed by
the intensity of its own fire, rather than a
lifetime of embers whose feeble flame knows
not outburst or extinction
.
~Muriel Strode (1875–1964), My Little Book of Prayer, 1904

When you look up the word “Passion” you  will see biblical references and the words “ardent affection”.  We must disagree; Passion, is often not affection.  For the sake of this program, let us agree that the definition of Passion is “ardent emotion’; powerful feelings that can motivate, consume, and drive out reason.  Passion can help us achieve what appears to be impossible and drive us to say what should not be said and what should not be done.

Passion can also drive us to express our love for that one person who moves us emotionally more than any other we have ever met.  Unbridled Passion leads to destruction.  Controlled and channeled Passion helps us achieve remarkable results.

To control and channel Passion, we need to understand it’s source, it’s fuel, and how to harness it’s power.

So, let’s start with a question.

When was the last time you were extremely Passionate?

  1. What was the motivation?
  2. If you were in a political discussion or argument, were you passionate because you quietly feared you were wrong?
  3. Were you passionate because you were concerned you would not be able to change the dangerous paradigms of your opposition?
  4. Were you passionate because you felt powerless to alter the paradigm of the person with whom you were interacting?
  5. Were you passionate because someone had betrayed you and you felt helpless and extremely hurt?
  6. Were you passionate because someone you care about was following a different set of rules and moral codes than you had agreed, and you felt cheated?

In all these examples, you lost confidence in your ability to deal with the pain associated with the betrayal and became extremely concerned about future pain the betrayal would bring.  In other words, you felt powerless and even foolish for trusting the betrayer.

So how do we regain control when our Passion under these circumstances overflows into anger and even physical abuse of ourselves and others.

First, we need to manage our expectations, not just of others, but of ourselves and human nature.  If we start knowing that others, no matter what they have said or promised, could and most likely will, disappoint us with aberrant behavior, we prepare ourselves for the worst result.

In other words;

“Plan for the Best and Be Prepared for the Worst”

“Know who and how much to Trust.”

Second, we need to understand the “Real” Results of the Betrayal.  Often, without examining the logic, we lose confidence in our ability to fend off future pain, and our mind, magnified by emotion from our heart, exaggerates the volume and intensity of the pain.  NO, in most circumstances, your world will not come to an end.  No, unless you decide to terminate the relationship, all is not lost.  You can influence behavioral change in your significant other and, in many instances, use the circumstances of your betrayal to power-up your relationship; make it stronger and less likely to generate future pain.

The Romantics, of which I am one, will say that Passion cannot be, and should not be, controlled.  That relationships should not be complicated or filled with disappointment.  They will profess, that when a betrayal is encountered, the relationship should be ended; a very unpowerful reflex.  If you love, truly love, your significant other, your emotions of tolerance, giving, understanding and forgiving should supersede your Passion for vengeance, punishment, escape or revenge.  In other words, you should exercise your power to overcome your Passion and channel it into productive actions that either make your relationship stronger or give you the ability to let go of the relationship when it is appropriate.

The following simple poem should be considered.

If you feel more love FROM him than me

Then it is with him that you should be

If you feel more love FOR him than me

Then it is with him that you should be.

                                                ~ Michael Cannon – CeI CEO/Qualified Professor

Uncontrolled Passion strips you of your ability to give all that you should to the one you love.  Yes, if you lose someone you deeply love, you will suffer the pain of missing them.  At the same time, you will know that you gave the ultimate gift to the one you love, freedom to decide who he or she wants to be with.  To accomplish this, you will need an enormous amount of confidence and energy.

Remember, you can handle the pain.  It will subside, it will slip into your history and you will become even stronger, and wiser, for the next relationship.

I can share with you, from personal experience, it is painful to lose someone to another.  However, after more than 38 years, the decision I made was best for her and for me.  In the end, she knows how much I love her and how much I sacrificed for her happiness.  There is no greater gift I could have given and no greater love I could have shown.  Now, after all those years, she understands who loved her and who still loves her beyond his own needs, wants and desires.

The questions here are:

  1. Can you be strong enough to stay in the relationship when it is right and appropriate?
  2. Can you be strong enough to step aside and allow the one you love the freedom to decide if he or she should stay or leave?
  3. Do you believe in you; do you have the confidence to “Let Go”, when appropriate, or stay and work it out when the relationship has promise?

If the answer to any of those questions is “No”, then we need to start a transformation.  We need to make you stronger and more self-assured.  We need to increase your communication knowledge and skills.  We need to build for you your own personal relationship development tool kit.

Stay Tuned for Part 2 of Session 2 in our next blog.